i don't know. i just feel like being here, i'm not unhappy. it's not bad. but i don't feel like it's me who is here. i just am not myself inside, or at least not the myself i was, not the myself i was so happy to be. i get little blasts of her every now and then, talking on the phone, re-reading my kairos talk, talking to girls from fr. but the motivation, or maybe just the sense of how to be her just isn't there. she was loud and unafraid, now i am quiet and awkward. she loved everyone and knew how, now i want to but i am afraid of rejection. she loved the people she was with and never wanted to be anywhere but where she was, now i miss my fr girls and convince myself that i miss them more than they miss me. i never told some of them how much i loved them. i never kissed them on the cheeks and picked them flowers. i want myself back.