Why am I a Dance major? I don't want to be a dancer, but here's how Anthony explained it:
I have a path, a calling, or somewhere I'm meant to be. Something I'm meant to do. And this is one step on that path. No one knows why, but I'm doing it because I just know its what I need to do. I'm learning the things through my dance classes that I need to know to do that thing I'm going to do. And I can't tell you what that is because it doesn't exist yet.

I think I forgot how to write papers over the summer.

I had a realization today. I'm living a linear life, not by choice, and I don't like it one bit.
In modern western culture we think of our lives as a line, defined by certain points and markers, each of which is understood to be "normal," and each of which passes once and is gone. We do four years of high school, then go to college, graduate, pass through some career track, marry, etc, etc.
It's really hard for me to think like that. I can't imagine myself doing those things, especially not in that order.
I dunno, I have a strong feeling right now that I just don't belong here. I don't feel like I'd belong better anywhere else at the moment, though.

I think I'm going to finally start writing some poetry again. And choreographing!

I love all my classes, I love the dance department, and I'm excited for gospel choir. I declared a Dance major today, which is kind of a big deal. I can't really see myself majoring in anything, though. The idea that in a few years I'll graduate, having fulfilled requirements and decided on something I want to study is bizarre. That's something grownups do, and I'm not one yet.
I miss this summer. My anxiety was gone, my sadness was gone, my confidence finally came together. It's not that I think my life sucks or anything now; quite the contrary, I'm just feeling a little sad and a little scared. I don't want people to feel sorry for me; being unhappy is good for a person for a while.
And I'm not totally unhappy. I have the best friends in the world, they're just a ways away from me most of the time. I'm going to have to start getting used to that.

goodbye goodbye goodbye
i don't know you anymore
this is no message
not to anyone
i'm free, and it feels
so damn confusing

i'm ready for something new
but i won't go searching
oh no
i'll just wait for it to grow
because you know
i don't know you anymore

what? now i forget.

I need less negative energy
I need to stop missing so hard.
What a beautiful yellow leaf outside my window.

they always tell me "of course [whoever] loves you back just as much, how could they not?"

here's what they don't understand:
if they loved me as much as i do them, it would mean the world was big enough to hold twice as much love as i have in me. i'm pretty sure it's not; i explode a bit from it
little explosions each day

Fall must be coming: Tonight I drove home at 11 with the windows open and had to turn the heat on so my toes didn't freeze off.