this is what winter break *means*

over the course of one semester:
life becomes cluttered
i forget about other people
i forget about me
i forget to forget about anything
i don't sleep enough
i am always writing
the weather gets colder and colder
i don't eat enough tortillas and beans
holding hands and hugging are rare pleasures
nothing gets over-organized and categorized like in the summer
i wear shoes
i don't write much poetry anymore.

well: all of that is about to change.
*cue ominous music*

oh i believe in yesterday

Choreography yesterday was the single most fun class period of the year so far. First we laid on the ground and a partner experimented with the limp weight of our limbs and body, and then we did trust falls with that same partner. I was with Joey, and since we partner twice a week for Anthony's piece, we've already moved past that awkward personal space thing and have an intimate and deeply developed sense of each other's weight- which made the exercises not awkward but engaging.
Then we passed someone's weight around in a circle and eventually lifted them over our heads.
Finally, we put all of that together and did a structured exercise/game where we walked or ran around the room playing with tempo- we could match each other's tempo or walk individually, from which we had two options:
1. We could run our hand down someone's back and once we reached their tailbone they were propelled into the floor.
2. We could take a weighted swing and fall backwards. If someone did this, the rest of us were responsible for rushing behind them and lifting them (in a floating sort of way) high into the air, then letting them down and dispersing.

We were all so aware of each other, it was magical.

a bit explosive on the edges

I have a lot running through my mind and all the things I'm trying to work through and keep track of get a bit tangled in my mind:

Do I really want to spend the next two.5 years at olaf? Where am I going abroad? When? How can I make my classes all fit? What am I going to do next summer?

What can I do to make sure my mom gets taken care of, when it's not my job to do so? How can I learn to live apart from my parents and how can I learn to live with them? How is my relationship with my uncles affected by my mother's?

Why is it that I feel so capable of loving but don't have chance to show that sometimes? Do I imagine things onto people, loving who I want them to be? I only do that with a few people. But I wish I didn't. Why don't people fall in love with me the way I need them to? I don't need them to, most of the time. Why is the past sticking so hard? Why do haircuts make me feel so good?

I welcome winter. Let's go sledding.

It's odd, I start to feel a bit more confident and myself here, but at the same time I miss FR more these days. Ah, well, home soon!

See the children run as the sun goes down/As you lie in fields of gold

I love seasons. Today is one of those days that just feels like fall, and it's all I can think about. You can feel Winter around the corner; it makes me want to write poetry. And maybe I will. But it got me thinking about all the patterns of the year. So here is what I think of each season. There are a few days of the year that are "season days," when I am filled with joy and frolicking; my heart overflowing with bubbling and my head overflowing with thoughts of the world at the instant time.
First there are the summer days. The days filled with some haze and heat. My legs get coated with sunscreen and sweat and dust, from tilth and bike rides. Strawberries and Pistou and Lemonade and Fresh Berries for breakfast. summer days are kind of annoying, in a way, but feel great once you're showered and wearing a lot less than before. then i usually dance around. these are the kind of days when i go to the library and read three books there, return four, and bring six home. i have goals and aspirations and spend hours on the phone. these days smell like barbecue and smoke and complaining about family hikes. and they end with the painful, ticklish shock of a cold hose or sprinkler.
then there are the autumn days. the ones where you can hear the wind in the chimney and people light candles and it smells like wet leaves and smoke and baking squash. the ones where you are cold and glad to come inside where you can see the light on in the house.

meaningless thoughts- i have a lot of homework!

Time goes by; I feel happy and then sad, I have anger and calm and love and sleepovers that get me sick (but so worth it).
I didn't dress up for Halloween for the first time since I can remember, but went to bed early, thinking of all the phone calls I want to make.
I miss my ring, but I have a cool new tradition!
Every day is assigned to Greg, Britta or I and we have to text the other two on our days and tell them something we like about ourself.

****************
it is the voice that connects the then and the now
the two pieces i can't seem to fit together
but now, stuck with a piece i don't understand, i hear the voice that connects the two.
it has been easy for me to forget
the boyish gruffness
how playful
(i won't be swept away again but it would be easy)
for the voice resonates- the same note as
something deep within me
that rarely awakens

I am not a fan of MLA changing citation formats. I had finally figured it all out so that I rarely had to look anything up, and now this?

poems: from a while ago

none of what you are about to read is still true? not messages, just poetry.
as simple as that.
---------
i don't miss you because
you are not (beautiful) to me anymore
[it's hard to admit, just something has changed,
and i have remained the same]
it used to be your words fluttered me
but now i disbelieve them even in my memory.
you have lost my faith, somehow
and i am not sure enough to get it back
for i question whether it was reality at any moment.
and now i flutter no longer
and wonder when the wind will change
---------
jaded:
big blue diamond eyes
saw so sapphire
saw so bright
shone with glaze and belief in forever
but quarried by another's imperfections
the stars amidst the of blue began to dull to green
diamond is so hard
cuts sharp, they say
and jaded eyes...
don't shine.
----------
i am a different kind of insecure than i used to be
a bit ruined.
what happened to you?
what happened to me?

Fall Nostalgia

The air is getting cold and crisp here and it reminds me of November days in high school. The kind of days where Dad would drive Syl and me home from dance and we'd have our feet stuck in the heaters in the car because it was cold and dark already as we came home from CDC classes with Anna where we did folk dances. and I'd tell Dad about my day as we drove home and the house would be waiting for us with the light shining through the curtains and warm as soon as we opened the door. Baked and stuffed squash was just coming out of the oven ready for me to sit down and gobble. And after I'd have essays to write for Sr. O'Dea and problem sets for Pesce and a quiz to study for. And I'd check Mugglenet for the evening news and leaves blew around on the streets. And you could hear jazz music from the restaurants in ballard.

I'm also wondering what it would be like to go to many different types of colleges. I'm starting to feel that I like this one, but I really would like to experience other kinds. Carleton and UW and Linfield and Willamette and Evergreen and PLU and Scripps. I just wonder what it would be like. And what kind of people I would know there.

huh

you know, i usually assume
that i'm waiting for a shiny
sparkly fireworks-sort of
love
and all is well and good
(maybe not well, but all is
at least good) with that kind
the kind that makes me feel
ill in the happiest way
and makes my eyes spin
until i can only see rainbow sprinkles

but then i open my eyes to the idea
of forever
which looks a hell of a lot more like salad than
rainbow sprinkles
but it feels better in your stomach than
rainbow sprinkles too
and it was there all along

huh. i wonder if there's a chance
that's what getting married is like
like analyzing mariners data
or harry potter at [the place where he is]
oh yeah
i'm wondering if it wouldnt be good for me
not as exciting
but good
to hear about the huskies day in and day out
or try to stump each other
oh yeah
i remember now