grasping for nowhere

i don't belong here, i can't survive here, the me i need to be has to hide and be shut away until i escape.
it's my own fault, really, too scared to find a place for me in this place, so unfamiliar. and part of me never wants to. i say next year and i mean get me the fuck out of here, i was never happier than when i belonged in that place.
i don't belong there anymore. it is no longer their job to take care of me.
i need to be taken care of. i take care of myself. there is no danger to me anywhere, this is a place for learning. i need to remember. the point is to be educated, not to be happy.
and i am happy a lot of the time here, but it is not me who is happy to belong.
because i don't belong here.
i don't belong in her arms, or in his arms. they can't fit just right, because no one else wants them to. but i need arms around me to belong in my own skin.
i don't belong here.
my skin doesn't glow here; it won't glow there anymore either. not like it used to.
it is in voices that i belong. voices on the phone. voices of the one few who know me better than the world can know me. i wish i trusted they'd never leave. i wish they loved me like i love them.
the wishing can get addicted sometimes. but there is nothing more important to me than that voice. the one i belong inside (in a clearly platonic sense)
and that voice has many places to belong. and a reason to survive. besides the fact that there is nothing else to do.
but i am afraid of nothing but fear and sadness. which usually are gone from this place, but this place turned while i was away, and this place no longer welcomes me; i fend for myself now. that's how it has to be. we make our own belonging these days,
and i make nothing without thinking toward the east. i know nothing about making, since there is nothing to show me that i might belong here, that anything belongs to me.
this place is for those who are not like me. no one is like me. i am no one here.