my remembering days

When I re-enter those halls in my mind
I remember what it's like to be calm
for nothing to matter
too much

those halls where we talked and I was scared
of no one
and I was judged
by no one
and I was powerful
and we were powerful
all in the same place

and I knew
all will be well
without even having to say it

in those halls I cried and it was the happiest cry
and laughed too
it was the saddest laugh
and the most of everything

when we ate silently
and everyone was close and unprotected
and I was who I wanted
and she held me
close
and I wonder if she remembers the smell
of those halls

in those halls the giant who rampages
the battlefield in my head
shrinks
to less important

and when our music plays on my ipod
sometimes I have to skip it
or deal with remembering
and knowing it means more to me than
just about anyone
else

and what I feel
on my remembering days
is different from any other feeling
I don't know what it's called
it's like trust only
sadder
because i'll never go back to THOSE halls
and even if I go back
sort of
it will not be the same

and I don't know if I will ever be
so full
again

and though they call it god's time
I call it my time too