lame-o

okay here's a collection of poetry I wrote last week. there's a lot of it; i don't want to lose any. I was in a very different mood then than I am now. i was reflecting on romance and having one of those days where being along sounds like the worst idea ever. today is not one of those days.

i guess i just want everything
which i know isn't really fair
i have a lot of things people wish for
so much support; a good education; passion; a sense of purpose.
i'm lucky that way
and a lot of people say they care.
i believe them. what else could i do?
i just worry i could do one thing
that would make it not true.
i know it's time to stop wishing and chase opportunity
i will soon.
but i wish for no matter whats
i wish for surprises just because
i wish for a storybook romance that's nothing like the ones in the stories
i wish for the world on a plate
and mostly for someone to share it with
---------------------------------------------------

i used to kiss the shower wall for practice
to see the shape of the mark my lips made
wondering how to get my nose out of the way
then i'd imagine the other lips were just anyone's
kissing was the important part.

now i kiss the wet shower wall every time
but not for practice and i imagine the same lips
every time
it's like a challenge: if i close my eyes and press my mouth
hard enough against the tile
maybe it will melt into flesh

but instead the cold taste of tile lasts for hours.
i was only kissing the tile surface of the cold stone idol i made of you
after all.
was that what i wanted you to be?
or was it my flimsy alternative to the you i wanted to know?
i'll never know whether that you could leave my lips numb
five minutes after i dry off.
-----------------------------------------
maybe someday when we are
twentyfive and twentyfour
or twentysix
we'll meet somewhere
a park a club a bar
by accident or
maybe on purpose
and i'll hold your hand
by accident or
maybe on purpose
because neither of us will have connections
temporarily
it probably won't mean anything
(though kisses always do)
but well clear up the what ifs
i'd carry around

it's something i should have done when
we were sixteen and fifteen
or seventeen
and afterwards i'll misfile it
in my mind
by accident or
maybe on purpose
and i'll remember it as happening
when we were seventeen and sixteen
or eighteen
and maybe i'll never see you again
and never wonder what would have happened.
------------------------------------------------
no one can say it's not strong
i skiied hours and miles on this craving
craving as what it is
every bit of your skin and every bit of mine
if they harnessed this in each of us
(they say its normal)
they could power the continent
no more fuel shortage
and no more all of us going crazy

its not something i'm proud of
cause every poem i write these days
is crap
don't try to convince me otherwise
and i can't compose anymore
because my head is teeming
with other people's music.