I think I might know what part of the problem is. This always seems to happen during the summer: I become sort of aimless and mopey. I make lists of things to do and then don't do any of them. I'm not engaged enough to be productive, and knowing that everything in the summer only happens once really doesn't help. And this year, instead of knowing that in a few months I get to go home to my school and feel right, I know I get to go somewhere far away from everyone I love to continue feeling aimless while additionally having homework to stress me out. I'm starting to get scared that I'll never be quite completely content again. Like, what if 2007- July 2008 was simply as good as it gets. Gosh, that would suck. I mean, there were certainly some things missing, but I wasn't just waiting. I think I'll try to actually accomplish my lists this year. And have lots of picnics. I'll be home from the island late tonight, but then back tomorrow for my cousin's graduation. Then Friday-Sunday at home and ROAD TRIP Monday-Wednesday (plus birthday fun, i think the parents are sad that i'll be gone). Then HOME HOME HOME till july.
I think right now I'm just forcing myself into this unpleasant mindset, and I'm gonna try to stop soon. Plus, you know, some things definitely make me happy these days.
The other problem is that not only do I feel everything like it's the end of the world, but I'm also particularly good at thinking. So I start to feel something and then I think about it and feel it even more. Which is good and bad.
I guess these days, these years are for having experiences. And some will be happy and some will be hard and then I'll have an idea of what I want to do with myself? I sure hope so. I don't like to think that all my experiences now are just temporary, just trying things out. It's nice because there's less pressure, but it doesn't mean I don't feel everything just as much.
I'm really glad I care about so many people, because then when I see them they remind me who I am. The problems really lie in all the times I don't see them. I'll have to work on that.